Sample 2 without preceding author's note

 

 

My life

 

For in my teenage years I thought of 
what was in store for me 
Anticipating what dreams would 
become reality 
I never imagined twins and a loving 
husband so quickly 
Life is flying by, yet what do I have to 
show for it 
Unfinished college and special needs 
kids 
Real life is not my strong suit.  Can I 
just have a redo? 
Ever wonder what could have been?  
I do, and it sucks because I can 
feel my life sinking...

Sbrown

 

+++++

Critique

 

Sbrown, thank you for allowing me to critique your poem. 

What I enjoyed about this was the honesty associated with the emotion you're feeling. I remember feeling the EXACT same way when my children were small. Many mothers would outwardly * gasp * at that statement, or openly profess to have never felt that way, and perhaps they didn't. But, there comes a time in all young mother's lives that they suddenly realize where they are in life, how one can suddenly get swept up and carried off in a moment, and how fast time flies. 

Many women go from father to husband ( despite how loving either is ) without a solitary life in between, i.e. - career, home ( apartment ), whatever. They go from living under a father to basically serving a family without truly knowing who they are, or what they really wanted to become. 

As to the emotional aspect of this: may it help to know that because you started yoing, you will be relatively young when they become adults. There are wonderful special needs programs available now. I know two friends who have autistic children; one is in an autistic home for adults leading his own life, and the other is in high school in the program there.  One day you will have your dreams before you. 

Until that time ( and it will fly ), imagine what you want to be. Experiment. Prepare for that future. Because Now is all we have, but it's not tomorrow. Lastly, never apologize for how you choose to survive. 

As to the technical aspect of your poem, let's take a looksee as to how we could perhaps improve and streamline, shall we?

=====

We look around and 
For in my teenage years I thought of 
what was in store for me

Firstly, the opening is a bit confusing as to the contradicting pronouns, e.g.- We, my, me. I was immediately ready to read about two or more people; however, except for the questions you pose toward the end, it's mostly singularly self-reflective.

One could assume, when reaching the end, that you're addressing the reader; however, I think it would strengthen if you would simply remove 'We' altogether. Actually, I recommend removing the entire line. This will allow the reader to personally ruminate with you. 

In my teenage years /
I [s]thought of[/s] contemplated
what was in store for me;

Use the power of words and think how you could say the same thing by expanding your vocabulary. I selected contemplated because it enhanced the consonance ot the t in teenage, what, and store. It also adds assonance to the a, o and e, i.e ( no pun intended ). - teen/tem. It appeared to be a healthy fit enhancing the previous and following lines. 

 

Lastly, I ended with a semi-colon to connect it to the next line, as I feel they're closely associated.

Anticipating what dreams would 
become reality 

Because I have used a semi in the previous line, I would suggest lowering the 'A' in Anticipating. This will allow the rumination to continue. Also, because you're referring to the past, let's change the tense in associating from present to past. 

anticipat[s]ing[/s]ed what dreams 
would become reality

Lastly, I've relocated 'would' to L2 because I like how the double-assonance of ea in years ending L1 falls right into dreams ( also how 'me' in L3 nests above it), and reality, ending it rather melodically. 

Lets see what we have: 

In my teenage years 
I contemplated
what was in store for me;
anticipated what dreams 
would become reality

See how streamlined and direct? It pulls the reader in personally.

I never imagined twins 
and a loving husband so quickly 
Life is flying by, yet . . .
what do I have to show for it
Unfinished college and special needs kids 

 

Firstly, I would recommend beginning a new stanza with this.  Allow some air so the reader can breathe between changing thoughts. Secondly, I enjoyed the wording as it was written, but not formatted; therefore, I merely altered the style to allow for key words ( which just happen to have some amazing i assonance sounds) to end each line: twins, quickly, yet, it, college, and kids. 

Lets piece it and see what we have thus far: 

In my teenage years 
I contemplated
what was in store for me;
anticipated what dreams 
would become reality

I never imagined twins 
and a loving husband so quickly 
Life is flying by, yet . . .
what do I have to show for it: 

Unfinished college
special needs kids 

Do you see how separation opens up room to allow each thought to stand in its own space? 

Let's move on:

 

Real life is not my strong suit.  
Can I just have a redo?

This would be a powerful as a couplet, so I've positioned it as such.

Ever wonder what could have been?  
I do, and it sucks 
Because I can feel my life sinking...

 

The only thing I suggest is removing 'can' . You don't need it and deleting it evens up the syllabic count with L1.  That will attribute a smooth rhythm to the final stanza, which is bangin'. 

Let's review all the suggestions together and see what we have: 

In my teenage years 
I contemplated
what was in store for me;


anticipated what dreams 
would become reality

I never imagined twins 
and a loving husband so quickly 
Life is flying by, yet . . .
what do I have to show for it: 

Unfinished college
special needs kids 

Real life is not my strong suit.  
Can I just have a redo?

Ever wonder what could have been?  
I do, and it sucks 
Because I feel my life sinking...

Sbrown, again, thank you for allowing me the honor of critiquing your poem. Please remember that critique, with the exception of proper spelling and grammar ( unless intentional for purposes of dialect ) is largely the critiquer's opinion. Please feel free to either accept all or partial suggestions for your personal attribution ( it's your poem - I just suggested edits )  Or, disregard entirely.

=====

If you would like a poem critiqued, please submit the form below. Allow 24-48 hours for return. 

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by TamArtsy